Essential Skills for new husbands is a series I will be doing over the next few posts to hopefully help new husbands avoid the landmines of new marriage that I myself have stepped on or near. I am in no way an expert, but a fellow traveller on the road to marital bliss.
“But honey, I didn’t say anything about your cooking.”
”Yes you did, you said you didn’t like the meal”
”Yes, the meal, the ingredients, not the way it was prepared”
”Oh, so then I guess I am just a bad wife then?”
Huh?
”Because I don’t even know what my own husband likes?”
That is an excerpt for a real conversation that led to an argument early on in my marriage. I honestly couldn’t fathom why my wife was so upset.
Rather than comfort her at this point and use this as an opportunity to remind her of what a great wife she was I chose instead to belittle her for being overly sensitive. Yeah, a real Casanova.
My primary concern at that moment was not for my wife…it was for my own pride. I was right, she was wrong and I was going to prove it… at any cost. Instead of listening to her, I simply formulated my argument whilst waiting for her to finish speaking. Big Mistake….
Listen, Don’t Hear
In case you haven’t heard…hearing and listening are two different things. I know for some it seems elementary, but for many it is not so simple. Listening involves your full, open-minded attention and focus, hearing requires functioning ears. You have to hear to listen but inversely you do not have to listen to hear.
Watch her body language, hear her tone, look into her eyes and take a few moments to ponder what she said. I know this may be hard, but don’t even think about your response until she finishes speaking!
It is a sign of respect when you allow her to finish speaking and take a few moments to formulate a response. This shows her you were listening and she will be more apt in return to listen to what you say and consider it carefully as well.
Transference + Projection = Interference
No, not a bunch of psyco-babble but real issues that can seriously hinder honest communication. First, some quick definitions…
- Transference: the redirection of feelings and desires and especially of those unconsciously retained from childhood toward a new object
(ie…you automatically mistrust someone just because they look like or sound like a former spouse,girlfriend,or parent you didn’t like) - Projection: a psychological defense mechanism where a person sub-consciously denies his or her own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world, usually to other people.
(ie… a husband thinks about cheating on his wife, and with no evidence or provocation whatsoever begins to believe his wife is thinking about cheating, aka, he projects his feelings onto her)
As you can see from the above definitions, these very real, very prevalent conditions can seriously and adversely affect authentic conversation and communication with your wife. So what can you do to help prevent transference and projection?
Simply being aware of them is a big step in the right direction. Having a talk with your wife about this can help as well. If everyone is aware of possible poisonous presuppositions going into a conversation, it can help to alleviate the aforementioned adverse effects.
If you feel that past relationships (whether sexual, emotional, paternal or otherwise) OR current maladaptive feelings are causing a serious hindrance in your ability to communicate, perhaps it may be time to seek out some martial counseling. A trained man or woman offering an educated, outside perspective can work wonders on transparent conversation.
Actions Speak…
…louder than words. Yes, I know it is a cliché, but that doesn’t make it any less true. The way you treat your wife, both publicly and privately, screams to her how you really feel. If you are the type of husband who offers to cook dinner, clean up, and cuddle with her after she has had a hard day…you can bet she is going to be more apt to listen with an open mind and an open heart when you speak.
If, on the other hand, you are a “Where’s my supper?” kind of man, you can bet she is a lot more likely to take what you say the wrong way.
Also, when she does open up and share with you her most personal and private thoughts, you can bet she is watching your reaction. If you react calmly, with love and understanding, she will be much more likely to keep the dialogue open and continue to be fully transparent and trusting around you.
Gossip Kills.
There is nothing more uncouth and ungentlemanly than slandering your wife around your friends. Though it is commonplace in many T.V. shows and movies today, it is absolutely base. That is your wife, your soul-mate, the current or future mother of your children, and your best friend. She trusts you with her secrets, her body, and her heart. Referring to her in pejorative and degrading terms is really more of an insult to yourself than to her.
You are simply telling the world you are an uneducated coward who can’t confront his own wife in private regarding any issues you may have with her. Instead you complain to any and everyone who will listen. And sooner or later your wife will find out and this will make it immensely more difficult for her to trust you again anytime soon.
In Conclusion
Make time to talk and really listen to what your wife is saying. Ensure that your actions are fully integrated with your loving talk. Be aware that past relationships and current negative feelings can seriously hinder communication; seek counseling if necessary. And keep your private problems private, don’t disrespect your wife in public.
A man that cannot communicate honestly and openly with his wife is bound to have a mediocre marriage at best, and no man should strive for such a base goal. Instead I urge you to be the best husband the world has seen…and that starts with knowing how to lovingly communicate with your true love.
