It's not just a sex problem, it's an intimacy problem.
Recently the
Washington Post published an article in their business section, discussing how Americans , especially older (read: Baby Boomer) and younger millenals, are having less sex than ever. The Post pointed to a number of factors; including later coupling and more "entertainment" choices ( Netflix and such) as the culprits for the lack of interest in advanced snuggling amongst the latter group. But I argue that the reason for this downward trend is lack of real intimacy. Here are a few things that I believe lead to a lack of true intimacy.
Distractions= Avoidance
When you are intimate with someone, physical or otherwise, you are usually going to be faced with some type of conflict, albeit large or small. You may struggle with listening or be a selfish lover or a whole host of other issues. The point is, when you open yourself up to intimacy, you open yourself up to vulenribility. You are forced to face those deep dark things you don't like about you. And frankly, faced with that possibility, who wouldn't rather binge on Bosch (which of course, is the best Cop Drama around, available on
Amazon Prime :P )
Devices= Secrecy
One glaring issue, imho, that the article fails to address is the online omnipresence of
porn. I mean, why face the aforementioned when you can simply tell a
complete cam stranger to do what you want, no questions asked as long as you got the cash. Not to mention the massive amounts of free content out there. The truth is real relationships again require openess, vulenribility, work, and trust. Porn requires none of that and is there, ready and waiting 24/7 on everyone's pocket computers.
Debt and Dissapointment= Drudgery
One thing the article does point out is that later coupling plus lack of gainful employment is a big reason for the decline. I'm cheating a bit here because technically this falls under the headline of distractions, just a more focused look at one particular distraction; work and money woes. Young people today are saddled with tons of debt and a bleak market which is slowly being take over by robots. (read: automation) With no time to reflect, relax, and most important relate to one another. And so drudgery slowly sets in.
So what's the big solution?
Focus=Courage
Yes, it is a fearful thing to be confronted by those ugly parts of ourselves we don't like, but one doesn't have to be controlled by fear. Taking time to focus on yourself and build community and communion with others is the first step towards a happy, healthy you, and yes, even more time for the aforementioned advanced snuggles. For me, I take great comfort in building community with my
local church. They help me grow and stay on the path to being a better father, husband, and member of my community along with a better disciple to Christ.
Another thing that helps is taking a small amount of time to meditate each day. Apps like Headspace or Insight Timer are great tools for this. Moreover, if the thought of reflection or vulnerability are simply too overwhelming for you, I recommend professional counseling, which I am a big fan of. To this day, I still use the app
BetterHelp to speak to a therapist on a regular basis. Whichever you do it,
take courage and take time to focus. Don't live a distracted life.
And that's pretty much it. As for the other two issues, put down the device, unplug for a day, and seek accountability and transparency in your relationships. As for the debt, I'm right there with you, it's tough...but set and stick to a budget, make tough cuts where needed and don't allow stuff to clutter your soul and your life.
My Closing Thoughts and Further Reading
While it may seem strange that I used an article about sex to delve into topics on reflection, money and community, it's really not as strange as it seems upon first blush. We have less sex as a nation because we are not intimate...and we are not intimate because we are distracted....and well, you get the picture. So what's stopping you today from being more intimate, more open and more satisfied?
