Essential Skills for new husbands is a series I will be doing over the next few posts to hopefully help new husbands avoid the landmines of new marriage that I myself have stepped on or near. I am in no way an expert, but a fellow traveller on the road to marital bliss.
How often as a husband have you said something similar to the following immediately after your wife shares a problem she is facing with you…
- “Well honey, here are some ways you could alleviate that issue”
- “You see sweetheart, here is where you went wrong”
- “Beautiful, next time just do this…”
If you are anything like me, chances are you have made this marital blunder and have suffered the inevitable consequences that follow soon thereafter.
(This is part 2 of my series and builds off of part 1, which can be found here.)
Ears not Insights
When our wives communicate issues they are having to us, many times they simply want you to listen. They want to share something that is bothering them, that is on their mind. They want to vent about frustrations at work, with the children, or with a family member, etc…
It brings them a level of comfort to know that someone else is aware of the issue. It makes them feel like they aren’t struggling alone, and that their very best friend, you, is on their team. At this point, all they want is your attention. I know it is tough as many men tend to be problem solvers, but at this point the best thing to do is offer up care and concern not insightful analysis.
Shoulders not Solutions
Chances are, your wife already knows where she went wrong. Chances are she probably feels a combination of sorrow, regret, anger, embarrassment or a host of other emotions regarding her issue. Maybe she blew up at a co-worker or customer, or lost her temper with the kids, or had another fight with her mother.
The point is, now is not the time for lectures, but love. It will benefit everyone in the long run if you make it clear to her that no matter what, you are on her team, and you both are working towards the same goals. So before you go into your twelve step solution, complete with Power-Points and pneumonic devices, just wait a second. Give her the care and compassion she is craving.
So, Abstain from Advice?
No, not at all. This would be a terrible idea as you and her both will benefit greatly from working through life’s issues as a team, as a couple. Once your wife has unpacked her emotional burdens, here are some things you can do before offering your sagely counsel…
- Gently kiss her check, offer her a hug
- Reinforce your care and concern with statements like:
- “I’m sorry my love, that sounds like it was very draining on you”
- “Wow, work can be brutal sweetheart, what can I do right now to help you relax?”
- “Sounds like you had a rough day, how about dinner on me and maybe I can draw you a bath?”
- Hold her
Again, as I said in the first post on this series…if a wife feels totally secure and loved, she will be much more likely to take what you say in a positive way.
What If She Asks…?
Well, what if she asks me “What do you think?” or “Was I right?” ? Well, that depends on the timeframe of the question. If the air is still tense and she is still “unpacking” emotionally, a response like “Let’s talk about that later, my main concern is about you…Are you alright?” or something along those lines will serve as a good deflection until deflation has occurred.
On the other hand, if the air has cooled and you have done your best to show care and compassion, gentle and loving advice can be useful. Just remember the gentle and loving part. When offering any kind of advice or insight, especially when it comes to your wife, here are some tips I have found helpful:
1. Wait Until She Asks
Pretty self-explanatory. If she wants your advice, she will ask for it. Offering it up without want will only prove to be fruitless at best and annoying at worst. If it is something that is ongoing and you feel she is unwilling or unable to seek counsel, that in and of itself is a whole separate issue that needs attention.
2. Peer, Not Professor
You are her teammate, not her coach. Offer your insight from a peer perspective. Don’t get caught in the trap on Monday-morning quarterbacking, or saying how you would have done it better.
You are not her, and no one knows what they would do if they were someone else…it is virtually impossible. So avoid the “If I were you” phrase.
3. After-Action Review
In the military, they have something known as AAR’s or After-Action reviews. The report seeks to answer three basic but very important questions:
- What Happened?
- Why it Happened?
- How can it be done better?
This is a good way to go about most situations as it allows a lot of room for the participant, in this case your wife, to examine her actions in a objective manner. It encourages introspection and helps one learn from their own mistakes. Furthermore, it allows you as the husband to understand your wife’s thought process and offer insight only when necessary.
In Conclusion
In life, just like you, your wife is bound to encounter stress filled situations that drain her emotionally. When she shares these situations with you, your first response should not be to simply solve the issue. Instead you should listen to her concerns.
Secondly, you should offer genuine care, concern and compassion. Don’t rush to be Mr. Problem Solver. Once your wife has vented and seen that you care about her, she will ask for advice if she wants it.
Finally, when offering advice, do it as a peer, not as some wise old man who is better and smarter than your wife. Let her analyze the issue herself and only offer advice if she gets stuck on how she could have done better. You are a team.
