R ealizing you are a bad person is not enough to get you
edeemed or even to really change your external behavior.
ealization is the spark that lights an intrinsic struggle that if not tamed will lead to depression and even suicide.
What must accompany realization is repentance. (For Greek Scholars, I am speaking of metanoia repentance). You see, it wasn’t enough for me just to realize I was a bad person. I had to make a true decision from the heart to change my ways; in order to change my ways I had to change my mind; moreover, in order to change my mind I had to change my heart.
Just one problem, I couldn’t change my heart, not on my own. I could certainly try, and perhaps even superficially succeed. But the truth was I would always revert back to sin because I was a slave to my own flesh. Rationalizations routed out reason thusly enabling more reprehensible behavior, which always preceded remorse, and finally regret. ‘Twas a never ending repetition.
Finally in April of 2002 in the town of Falls Church, VA I cried out to God. I was broken and afraid. I hated who I was. I cried out to God to forgive me and become Lord of my life. He heard me and I was saved from myself, from my sin, from a life and eternity of separation from Him.
The addendum to the aforementioned story is this: From a material perspective I had more than I could ask for. I was deployed to a small town in northern Virginia. The Army was paying for a nice apartment 10 miles away from D.C. I had a hot tub and pool 40 feet from my back door. I was making good money and had quite a bit in the bank. I had beautiful women who wanted to go out on dates with me. I literally had it made and I was not yet 20. So, why did I need God?
Because none of the previously mentioned fleshly goodies made me happy is why I needed God. Money, women, cushy job, none of it meant anything when I lay down my head at night. None of those things could answer the question of why I existed and give me a true sense of peace and purpose. Only Christ could offer me the answers to those questions. My life did not, has not nor will it ever get easier just because I surrendered my life to Him. But I do know that even during the hardest of times, He is with me.
I am blessed. So why go back to sin? Why revert back to my old ways? The second “E” can explain.
